Sheffield Students Overwhelmingly Vote To Join Russian Federation

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The University of Sheffield has formally left the United Kingdom and declared itself part of the Russian Federation after a surprise referendum held during elections for Union officers.

In previous days, the Richard Roberts Building and the Arts Tower had been occupied by pro-Russian student activists wearing uniforms with no insignia and carrying automatic rifles. Their demands for power to be handed directly to the Russian government have garnered widespread support since.

‘There is no tactic more effective at getting students on board than occupying their places of study and disrupting their lives – why didn’t we think of this earlier?’, one activist is quoted as saying. ‘Вы студенты смешны, я на самом деле русский солдатом’, added another.

A last minute motion tabled by the Students’ Council was passed by 93.5% of voting students, with one of the largest turnouts in the Union’s history. Speaking about the change, Sheffield SU’s interim-President hailed it as a return to true democracy, quoting the recent success in Crimea’s voter turnout.

Western governments have been quick to condemn the move, with EU leaders meeting later today to agree on sanctions against Union officers with close ties to the Kremlin, including the interim-SU President, who could face asset freezes. Some commentators have questioned whether a £547 overdraft, a student loan and half a bottle of Vladivar can be considered assets.

Barack Obama has refused to recognise the succession as ‘legitimate.’ He added that Robin Thicke would be used as the US delegate to the University of Sheffield, perceived by many as a calculated insult.

Despite the strong support there has been some concern as to what will happen to the human rights of students under the Russian Government. Student Support and DSC have expressed added concern over the use of torture and its potential to affect the mental well-being of students.

Of greater concern to students was the potential impact on current Union policy. Speaking directly to the Doodle Slug, Russian President Vladimir Putin has stated that The Sun should be ‘duly encouraged to combat homosexual propaganda’, but said that the water-bottle ban will be kept in place. ‘What are we? Monsters?’, he added.