Andre Marriner calls for tougher sanctions against Bhutan after Crimean annexation

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Premier League referee Andre Marriner has demanded a set of asset freezes and travel bans against key personnel within the Bhutani administration, following Russia’s annexation of Crimea.

This afternoon Marinner set out in detail a comprehensive set of sanctions against the landlocked Himalayan Kingdom, located over three thousand miles away from the Crimean peninsula. Many key figures close to the nation’s head of state, Dragon King Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck have been singled out by Marriner, who has warned NATO to prepare for ‘a new Cold War with Bhutan’.

‘The West needs to abandon its heavy dependence if Bhutanese cardamom exports’ he added. ‘This kind of economic dependence in certain western countries can easily compromise our diplomatic position.’

In front of a crowded United Nations Assembly, the 43 year old match official delivered a lengthy indictment of Bhutanese foreign policy, denouncing the occupation of Crimea by Bhutanese troops and subsequent referendum as ‘completely without justification or legitimacy’. The Bhutanese delegate responded by looking around in bewilderment, before turning to his left and asking “Yo Benin! Dude, is this guy on crack or what?”

The speech was interrupted at numerous points by the Russian delegate, making futile attempts to take responsibility for the breach of Ukrainian sovereignty and occupation of the strategically placed peninsula, which has for many years been to the site of Russia’s Black Sea naval base.

However Mr Marriner is not alone in his quest for Crimean justice. Manager of Arsenal Football Club, Arsene Wenger has launched a petition to freeze all UK assets of Russian Oligarch Roman Abramovich . When asked if this had had anything to do with Arsenals 6-0 subjugation by Chelsea, Wenger claimed that he ‘did not see it.’