England Psychologist sectioned under the mental health act

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Dr. Steven Peters, Sheffield University’s very own lecturer, has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, after a cursory examination of the England’s National Football teams psychological condition.

Peters, who was brought in by England manager Roy Hodgson to help with the mental aspect of the upcoming World Cup in Brazil for the national squad, suffered a systematic mental breakdown, less than two days after he occupied the position. Peters is currently resting at home, under surveillance by trained professionals.

Once integrated into the squad environment, many commented that Peters was starting to lose his hold on sanity. In particular, many said they could here Peters muttering to himself at the team meetings, and CCTV footage of the night before the match against Denmark has even caught Peters walking up and down the hall and occasionally sitting in the fetal position, rocking back and forth.

During his brief tenure, Dr. Peters was able to catalogue a vast range of dysfunctional personality complexes and deep seated emotional abnormalities, many completely new to science. Notable cases included Wayne Rooney’s inferiority complex, which manifested as a constant need for reassurance that he was worth £300,000 a week, and most of the defence, midfield and technical staff suffering from acute paranoia that John Terry was involved in an affair with their wife.

It is believed that Dr Peters was sent over the edge by James Milner’s disturbing split personality syndrome, all 67 of which are identical and fascinated by stamp collecting.

‘We began to notice behaviour indicative of major psychotic episode very quickly’, one psychiatric colleague of Dr Peters said. ‘The player evaluation reports he sent back to us contained nonsensical theories, claiming that in many cases the Ego section of the players psyche had completely devoured the Id and Super-ego, contradicting everything we know about the human mind.’

‘Dr Stevens now appears to be occupied in a fantasy world of his own construction’ said his colleague. ‘He seems to be under the sad delusion that Tom Cleverly has been called up to the squad. Truly the ravings of a mad-man’