US claims it called “No-hack-backs”, after Chinese data theft’

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Outrage has spilled throughout Congress after the alleged cyber theft of six US companies and unions, as politicians angrily remind China that the US called hacksies first when it looked into the data of every foreign business going.

US officials have said this “binding , international protocol” means any attempts to hack into its own businesses’ networks cannot be compared in any way whatsoever to the National Security Agency spying on Brazilian oil giant Petrobras, “or any of the others for that matter.”

Speaking at a press conference while standing in front of numerous American flags, Attorney General Eric Holder reminded the world of the rules of hacksies, and said only America is allowed to hack into foreign businesses’ as it has far more important national interests than all of you.

He said: “Do you know how hard it is to try and manipulate every country and corporation in the world into doing everything your way?

“When you have corrupt regimes to fund, allies to keep in check, enemies to threaten and lobbyists to constantly please you have to know as much as you can.

“That’s why we have no backsies on the hacksies. And that’s a factsies.”