Russell Brand reveals lifelong fear of graphs
Following his appearance on Newsnight earlier this week, comedian Russell Brand has opened up about his paralysing fear of graphs.
The revelation emerged when Newsnight presenter Evan Davis unexpectedly showed Brand a graph plotting real wage changes in the UK.
With a look of horror on his face, Brand said: “Oh goodness me, mate, for what are you showing me this otiose mathematical trinket? This bourgeois oppression-tool of the modern economical crypto-fascist?”
Following the programme, Brand spoke to the Doodle Slug for three hours without taking a breath about his lifelong phobia.
“The ostensibly humble graph is nothing more than a modern crucifix of the religion of capital upon the blood-stained alter, of which lie the savings of the hard-working men and women who rich bankers and politicians feast on like tenacious vampiric money-gremlins, basking in their establishment Transylvanian London castles, profiting from the woes of the workers like undetectable phosphorescent kleptomaniac leaches.”
“Don’t show me another graph. I dunno man, they just freak me out”.
The Doodle Slug has been unable to verify reports that Brand is similarly disturbed by other methods of presenting professionally ascertained evidence.